you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
