i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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