ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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