i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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