Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
