the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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