I wanna passion pit in your ass
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
