this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
