coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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