finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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