You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
