dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
