I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
