I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We got so high we made milksteak
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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