I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
