this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
