i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
