I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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