cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
