She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
