I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
