What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
