This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
