She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
