I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
no, he came in my armpit
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
