You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
