It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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