I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
