Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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