youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i think i have two assholes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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