update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
