i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
