Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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