Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
