Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
