I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
