non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
