Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
