I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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