last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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