I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
