whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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