Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
