Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
