Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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