I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
