you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
