Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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