I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
no you cant smoke seaweed
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
