Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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