Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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