Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You can't just leave with hair like that
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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