Whats the glycemic index on semen?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
